


Shift

by masterassassin



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, I should be writing this Endgame Fix-It instead, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, set after Steve got Bucky out of the Hydra base
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 01:08:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18906424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterassassin/pseuds/masterassassin
Summary: The uncomfortable silence drags on and Bucky hates it; he swallows, sighs and leans back to give Steve another facsimile of a smile.“I’m fine, Steve.”





	Shift

**Author's Note:**

> Almost seven years after I joined AO3 I finally manage to post a Marvel fic thus honoring my username here.  
> I'm actually writing an Endgame Fix-It right now but I needed something else real quick. So here it is.  
> Enjoy.

“What’s wrong, Buck?”

Steve slides into the seat opposite to him, leaning forward, arms braced on the table. The material of his army issued shirt stretches over his shoulders and Bucky tries very hard not to notice the way Steve’s newly formed muscles move under the fabric.

He fails spectacularly.

 

“Nothing’s wrong.” Bucky tries to give Steve his most convincing smile but it’s so flimsy he can’t even fool himself, let alone Steve.

 

“Buck…” Steve is looking at him and Bucky feels like he’s being x-rayed. It makes him feel slightly sick. He takes another swallow of his whiskey and avoids Steve’s concerned eyes.

 

The uncomfortable silence drags on and Bucky _hates_ it; he swallows, sighs and leans back to give Steve another facsimile of a smile.

“I’m fine, Steve.” He tries to put enough weight on the word to pacify Steve to just leave him be.

 

“Quit the horseshit!” The force behind Steve’s words is unusual and Bucky knows immediately that he won’t get out of this one as easily. It doesn’t help that Steve’s leaned even more over the table and is now lowering his voice to say, “Ever since I got you out of that hellhole you’ve been acting strange. You’re absent and reserved and I don’t like it–“

 

“Well, that’s your problem then, isn’t it?” Bucky tries one more time but regrets it instantly when he sees Steve’s face fall.

Shit.

“Listen,” Bucky, too, lowers his voice, “Can we just not do this tonight?”

 

Steve sits back and crosses his arms, purses his lips and just stares at him. And Bucky recognizes a lost fights when he sees one, so he resigns himself to what he’s sure is gonna be one of their more uncomfortable conversations. He tips back the last contents of his tumbler and gets up, sure that Steve’s gonna follow him.

 

Bucky walks out of the bar and away from the commotion. He buries his hands in his pockets and tries to not be too aware of Steve’s bulky form walking next to him, radiating heat even from two feet away.

Neither of them says a word until eventually, Bucky stops next to one of their army trucks. He pulls out a cigarette, lights it and blows the blueish smoke into the night air.

 

“Buck,” Steve starts again and Bucky just chuckles humorlessly but lets him continue. “If it's something they did to you there, if you’re feeling sick, please just tell me. I’m worried about you.”

 

Steve’s voice is a low rumble and so full of genuine concern that it makes Bucky’s insides ache. If only he could just _tell_ Steve. But things aren’t that easy. They never are.

 

Bucky finishes his cigarette and leans against the side of the car before he speaks. Even to his own ears his voice sounds hollow.

“I’m not sick, Steve. I don’t even know what they did to me. Most of the time I was unconscious. It’s not that.”

 

“Then what is it?” Steve sounds truly desperate and for the first time tonight Bucky actually looks up and into his eyes. Even the goddamn light blue of his irises seems stormier than usual and for a brief second he wonders how he’s even able to tell in the dim light shining over from the street.

 

“You know,” Bucky says eventually and looks away again, “back when, y’know,” he waves his hand around vaguely.

“When I was a sickly, frail nuisance who brought you nothing but trouble?”

“Oh, shut up, you punk, you know I never saw you as that.”

Steve quirks a small smile, “Yeah, I know.”

Bucky glances at him and immediately wishes he didn’t, Steve is giving him his full attention, looking at him so intently that it makes Bucky squirm. He pulls out another cigarette.

“I always knew you’d do great things, Steve. Sure, I didn’t know when or how and I really really hoped it wouldn’t be in the army but here we are now,“ he huffs, “Captain America.” Bucky spreads out his hands in front of him, shaping an imaginary sign into the air. He lights the cigarette; next to him Steve leans his shoulder against the side of the truck, looking at him.

“Everyone loves you, Stevie. It took them a hundred and fifty pounds of muscle to see but I always knew you’d be fantastic.” Bucky scrubs a hand over his face and takes a drag, breathing out long and slowly. “You’re finally getting the attention you’ve always deserved. I’m happy for you.”

 

“You don’t look happy, Buck.” The concern hasn’t left Steve’s voice and Bucky has to close his eyes for a moment.

 

“I’m just tired, guess I’ll better go catch a few hours.” Bucky forces out another smile; he tries, he really tries to make it as genuine as possible, because he truly is happy for Steve, but it still comes out as more of a grimace. He puts the cigarette out against the side of the car and straightens up, ready to leave.

“Catch you in the morning,” he says, gives Steve a casual two-finger salute and turns to walk away. As soon as Steve can’t see his face anymore his expression falls.

 

It’s hard, it had always been hard. But now it was worse than ever. Before all of this, before the war, before they shipped out and everything changed, it was just him. Him and Steve. Against the world. And Steve had genuinely needed him, needed Bucky to make sure he was getting enough food and staying warm at night when the New York winters got cruel. Needed Bucky to help him when he got so sick he could barely even get out of bed on his own. And now, now Steve didn’t need him anymore.

 

A large, warm hand clamps over Bucky’s shoulder and holds him back.

“What?” Bucky lashes out and turns around, expression open and raw.

 

Steve leans in close. “I know you, Bucky. I’ve known you for most of my life. Without you I’d probably be dead already. So please, _please_ don’t do this. Don’t think you’ll get away with pretending that everything is fine when it’s clearly not.”

 

Steve’s hand is still on Bucky’s shoulder and the warmth seeping through his clothes feels oppressing. He swallows hard.

“You wouldn’t get it.”

 

Steve’s eyes flicker over Bucky’s face, searching. Bucky’s terrified of what they might find.

“Please, Buck, is it me? Did I do something? Did something happen?”

 

Bucky just looks at him. Steve squeezes his shoulder.

“Of course it’s you, idiot.”

 

Bucky wants to be angry, he wants to shout at Steve. Tell him that things changed and while it’s so _so_ much better for Steve now, for Bucky it’s not. It’s incredibly selfish and he knows that. _He knows._

He wants to be angry and yet, he can’t.

 

“I’m scared, Steve.” Bucky says eventually when Steve is still just looking at him, and it feels like his throat is closing up with emotion.

 

“What are you scared of?” Steve’s voice is gentle and calm and Bucky sets his jaw, rubs a hand over his face and looks away.

 

“That I’m not enough anymore.”

 

“What?” Steve asks and he sounds so genuinely confused that Bucky has to look up again.

 

“You don’t need me anymore.” He says, tone almost challenging, and now he’s looking straight at Steve, meeting his eyes.

 

It’s quiet. Steve stands there, hand gone lax on Bucky’s shoulder. He stands there and looks at him and then something in his expression changes.

“Oh.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Bucky turns around, Steve’s hand slips off his shoulder and he starts walking away. His eyes are stinging and he grits his teeth against the emotions threatening to wash him away.

He makes it twenty feet, thirty, and just when Bucky thinks he’s safe, when he thinks he got away and can allow himself a moment of weakness before he locks everything he’s feeling up again, Steve’s unnaturally heavy footsteps reach him and he’s turned around roughly.

 

“Don’t– do not ever think that I don’t need you anymore. I wouldn’t be me without you. When I heard that the 107th– that you were just _gone,_ I couldn’t–“

Steve only seems to really see Bucky’s face now, because he suddenly stops talking, mouth slightly open and under different circumstances Bucky would comment on how it makes him look unattractive, even though it’s a lie. But now Bucky’s eyes are red and brimming with frustrated tears, he has a lump in his throat and has to clench his teeth to stop any sound from coming out.

Steve’s expression changes and his eyes turn wild and frantic. Bucky knows Steve has never seen him like this and the shock of it is written all over his face.

“I thought I lost you,” Steve says quietly. “Don’t make me lose you again.”

 

“If it was my choice I’d never leave your side.” Bucky laughs wryly, watery. He sniffs.

 

“Then make it your choice.”

 

The reply comes fast, as if Steve waited for the opportunity to get it out and now Bucky is the one looking at him, trying to figure him out. Some of the desperation, the urgency to know what’s happening, what changed so drastically, is still written all over Steve’s face. But now something else lies underneath, something Steve seems to try to mask carefully but simultaneously wants Bucky to see. He looks torn and– hopeful.

 

Then Steve nods, almost imperceptibly and so, Bucky chooses.

 

Steve’s hair is still as soft as it always was, his eyes are still as blue as ever and it’s all that matters as Bucky frames his face and kisses him like he never thought he would.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was partially fueled by these [two](https://am22.akamaized.net/tms/cnt/uploads/2015/12/bucky.gif) [gifs.](https://media.giphy.com/media/hu8zVr0NsiPvy/giphy.gif)  
> You're welcome.


End file.
